An abyss of shitty men

No lie and true story. Lol. I feel enlightened.
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I need to make better investments...

So after a shitty week and the worst experience of my life trying to get back to the U.S., I'm finally home. On the bus ride back, I decided to finish Ousmene Sembene's God's Bits of Wood. As I read, I came across this passage that spoke to me and was so fitting for my current situation. It reads:

"'Penda,' Maimouna said gently, 'why are you so hard on Boubacar?'

'What do you mean? I'm not hard on him. Is he the father of your children?'

'No. Why is it that people who have eyes can never see?'

'Well, if he isn't the father, why is he always hanging around you?'

'Penda, could it be that there was always only one place in you heart and now Bakayoko has taken it?' Maimouna was speaking very softly, not wishing to disturb their neighbors. 'That man will occupy your heart, and then pass through it, leaving nothing but bitterness. He will destroy everything. You see, with us-with women-we love a man when we know nothing of him and we want to know everything. And we will puruse the one we have chosen no matter what happens, no matter how he treats us. But when we have learned what we want to know, and there is nothing left, no longer any mystery, then our interest is gone. The ones like Bakayoko will always be our bane. They do with us as they will. Before you have time to say "no", you have already said "yes".'

Penda was studying the face of the blind woman as she spoke, searching for the thoughts behind the sightless eyes.

'How do you know all this?' she asked.

'I haven't always been blind. After I lost my sight, my ears replaced my eyes. I have learned to know what people are thinking, and to understand what is said between the words that are spoken and I tell you this: in Bakayoko's heart, there is no room for anyone. He is a blinder to his neighbor than I am...'

'Who is the father of your children?'

'You are just being stubborn. That is of no importance any longer. I was not betrayed by that man. He thought that he was possessing me, but it wasn't true; my flesh was calling out to be satisfied, just as his was. I knew that he would abandon me, and in my heart I had already abandoned him. We will be in Dakar soon, and I shall stay there. I will be among my brothers, the beggers, and with my child, who will always be mine. A child may not know its father, Penda, but what child can question the body in which it lived for nine long months?'

'You will stay with me,' Penda said.

The blind woman was silent for a moment. 'Rest now, Penda,' she said at last. 'Soon the wind will come up, and there will be a great storm."

This shit is the truth.

See what had happened was...

The first time I was in France (Summer 2007), I met this boy in a club. We will call him M. He was a bouncer and he was cute but I wasn't really interested in him because I just saw him as the cute bouncer who worked at the club we frequented and I wasn't looking for a mainsqueeze whatsoever. I remember the first coversation we had so clearly. There were about 5 of us, 4 men and me, talking about development in Africa and things that needed to change. I was really really excited to be arguing with a bunch of men in a club at 3 a.m. I don't know anyone that goes to the club to talk politics but we did.

I didn't even know M was interested in me until my last week there. We held hands and exchanged contact information. He promised to call and you didn't. I should have taken this as a cue and him left you alone but I didn't. smh. We half ass kept in touched.

When I went to Senegal last summer, I emailed M to let him know. (He is half Senegalese. Senegalese men are my weakness. ahh) We were supposed to meet up but that never happened. Fast forward to December 2008. I finish undergrad and decide to go to France to get my 3 last remaining credits because it's cheaper and I would pick France over America any day. Instead of emailing M, I called to share my good news. You sounded pretty pumped and I told M I would let him know all the details as soon as I had them.

March comes and I'm ready to go. I decide to email and let M know my travel arrangements and such.

The week before I leave, M calls me almost everday. I was a little overwhelmed by this but I was just like okay w/e, I'll see you on Sunday. I get to Paris, head to the train station. I miss my train, get a ticket for the next one then I call M to let him know what time I'll be getting in at.

I get in, call and 10 mins later, M is there to pick me up. I have butterflies. I'm tired, excited, and in a completly different dimension. But I'm happy. I live for moments such as these ones. You know, moments when you're completly happy and all that matters is the present and profiting for as a long as you can. But time continues and the moment passes.

So he starts driving and we are talking and out of nowhere, M says he has a child. WTF? I'm still really tired so I'm completly spaced out (I can't completly pay attention to people when i'm tired). Instead of having an aneursym, I ask how old she was. I was trying to figure out some shit. He said 4. I did the math. This means that in 2007, she was two. WTF? You can't forget you have a child. I'm too tired for this shit. I let the shit slide. Bad decision.

M takes me to where I'm staying and says call me. Will do.

I get upstairs and I start unpacking. I'm too tired and my to do list is too long to worry about anything else but upacking, sleeping, getting up on time, and getting to class tomorrow.

The first day of classes goes well. My body is still adjusting and my mind is still trying to process everything. I decide not to make it a big deal yet because afterall, you and I are not together. Bad idea.

On Tuesday, I run into M in the center of town on my way home. I had just purchased a SIM card and I called him and gave him my number. We chatted for a little bit. M walks me to my building and he says to call him. Will do.

Wednesday is a full day of classes. It's uneventful. I'm bored. I call. I decide that its time we have a talk and catch up. Time to get some answers. We set up a date for Thursday. I'll take you out. I find a tea shop for us to have tea since coffee shops don't exist in France. We talk. I sense a lot of aggression and anger. I'm trying to understand what has changed so much. Why he's so unhappy. He won't tell. I figure out that he has trust issues. I know something happened but he's not telling me and I'm not forcing you to tell me.

After tea, M invites me over to check out his apartment. I have nothing better to do so why not. We hang out for a couple of more hours before M has to go to work. We get ready to leave. M parks, walks me halfway home and asks me to come by the club later. I say no because I have class tomorrow. Maybe on Saturday.

Friday is uneventful. Saturday comes by and I have nothing better to do. I decide to go by and visit M. It is an interesting evening. You are really unhappy with your life. That's what's making you angry.

M tells me that he probably won't be able to get together because Gods bit of wood will be with you for the week.

No biggie. That should be your priority.

A week went by and we didn't see each other. We texted and talked on the phone so that was okay. Saturday comes by and M calls and says he's going to stop by. I tell him to call when he gets here. This was at 6:30 p.m. I text him at 10 to see if he is still coming by. Gods bit of wood wasn't picked up.

You ask me to come by the club to see you.

Maybe.

I decide to go see you. I get ready to head out but it's raining and I decide to stay inside and talk to the security guard.

M calls on Sunday and asks why I didn't come by last night.

It was raining.

T'as raison.

I know.

M asks me to come by today. I did. We chatted for an hour. I left because I had to go. He said would call me the following day.

M didn't call and I haven't heard from him since.

That was a week ago.

I'm back in America and I still haven't heard from him.

I am at a loss of words.

I wish I were blind and deaf. shit.

I have so much to say but I don't even know where to start.

I guess I'll start by addressing your bundle of joy. I wish you had told me about her. Maybe you thought I wouldn't be interested or I would think less of you. You should have allowed me to make the decision instead of making it for me. That's unfair and unfortunate.

No one has ever sent me as many mixed messages as you did in a month. You call me non stop for a week. When we are finally in the same country, same city, I don't see you that often. And then you fall off the face of the planet. There's no explaining yourself out of this. I hope and pray that you are well and that you are safe because that would be the only excuse that I would be legit.

I should have sought answers to all the questions that I had but I didn't because I thought that I was giving you space. I wanted to respect your boundries and your limits.

Your actions have shown that you have little respect for me as an individual, as a friend, or as a partner. Consequently, you don't deserve any more chances. You don't get to explain yourself. Your feelings are irrelevant.

After Thursday, I won't pick up. I won't email you back.

Je ne te "tutoier" plus.

You are just like Bakayoko. As Maimouna explained, you are "that man will occupy your heart, and then pass through it, leaving nothing but bitterness. He will destroy everything. You see, with us-with women-we love a man when we know nothing of him and we want to know everything. And we will puruse the one we have chosen no matter what happens, no matter how he treats us. But when we have learned what we want to know, and there is nothing left, no longer any mystery, then our interest is gone. The ones like Bakayoko will always be our bane. They do with us as they will. Before you have time to say "no", you have already said "yes".'

I might not be bitter but i'm livid. There's no explaining yourself out of this. I won't allow you to me treat however you want. I won't pursue or chase you.

Thankfully, I didn't share my flesh with you.

I hope no one ever treats your daughter as you have treated me. I pray that she will be treated with more respect than you have given me.

I hope that I will have the courage to defeat temptation.

Only courage, love, and a strong support system will overcome loneliness.

I will, however, conintue to be a hunter.

Thanks Maimouna for the clarity.

YEstella

Shit list

After last night, I have to start a shit list. From here on out, those who have been shit listed will be listed here.

J,

I mean, W.T.F. Your behavior last night left me speechless.

I was surprised to see you, a self-proclaimed brooklynite in cambridge.

I said hello and quickly excused myself after our first exchange because I know that you have a tendency to make things super awkward for no reason.

After your lame set, I sat back while everyone gathered around you as if you were a Aime Cesaire and Nikki Giovanni's illegitimate child;

you're not,

you're awfully mediocre at best.

I saw you preparing to exit and waved.

You walked over and we talked for a few minutes.

You gave me a flyer to your next show and asked if I would be attending. I said no because I would be in France.

Your response, "that's not bad at all."

I know it's not bad at all. Shit, it's better than being in Brooklyn and being awfully mediocre*.

all was well until this point.

You excused yourself and said you would be back.

As soon as you left, I started talking to someone else while waiting for the open mic to start and for your return.

Neither happened.

30 minutes later, I realized that you left and didn't care to bid me farewell.

W.T.F.

Yes, I liked you (This was fall 08 after you approached me on some I'm interested in you shit).

I was completely mesmerized.

I couldn't get over how you an educated, accomplished, well spoken, funny, and charismatic being could be interested in me a newbie, struggling student, editor, and wannabe poet. I'm no plain Jane but in comparison to your posse (groupies included), had little to offer as far as you were concerned.

But then I realized you're fucking lame.

You're not articulate, not charismatic, and a bore.

A fucking bore.

You're also INCREDIBLY IMMATURE and intellectually challenged.

And worst of all, you are passive aggressive. I Hate people like you.

Seriously

I admit it. I was a bit too forward.

Once I realized that you weren't interested, I apologized, backed off and tried to be as casual as possible.

You obviously weren't having it since you insisted on making things awkward.

I don't really know why, but you did.

I kept it to a hi and bye with the occasional hug or high five.

I thought you and I, mostly you, had found your antidote.

clearly not.

I guess you think I'm still interested. IDK why but I'm not.

Seriously. in addition to being lame, taken, and a plain bore, you have nothing to offer me.

You are so disrespectful, egotistical, pathetic, unimpressive, lame, and awfully, awfully, mediocre at your best.

You're bitchassness at its best.

smh

YEstella

*mediocre or shitty. Use as you see fit.